I am writing today to the few women who believe that their ex is financially responsible for them. For them as women. Let me be absolutely clear.  I’m not talking about his responsibility for the children you share. Nor am I talking about those of you who are stay-at-home-moms with babies or small children. I’m talking about women who believe they are entitled to their ex’s earnings by virtue of being in a past relationship with him. I’m speaking to the women who choose to hold their ex responsible for them – for their basic existence – even though there are no barriers to making an income.

I know this sounds tough. I am being tough. Because I fear you are in danger. Danger of becoming invisible. Of living a life uninhabited. Danger of selling out on abundance (financial, emotional, love, creativity, etc) in exchange for a dependency. Danger of failing in life because of your choice to make another man responsible for you. Not your kids. You. Doing so sets a tragic limitation on your life.

I know there are all kinds of obstacles and barriers to making it out there as a single parent. It’s hard for everyone actually. But that doesn’t mean we are justified in making someone else responsible for us. We find ways to overcome the barriers. We find the courage, fortitude and ways to fight off fatigue. With an education, or creativity, or straight up passion – single moms can and do make beautiful lives for themselves. But most of all, success in life  comes down to a choice.  It’s the choice to be his dependent or not. It’s the choice to do the hard – gruelling work of balancing parenting and working. It’s the choice to assume full responsibility for your life and face it head on, or hide behind a crippling sense of “he owes me.” Whether he owes you or not is a pointless argument when we are talking about the quality of your life being at stake. The point is are you willing to give up so much of your womanhood and your livelihood to continue to collect from him?  Are you willing to keep your accomplishments small enough as to fit them within the “he owes her” legal jurisdiction?

I worry about your self worth. It must be very difficult to feel proud about the woman you are when you claim zero income year after year so that support is ” justified.” It must be heartbreaking to forfeit making a life for yourself in order to keep that check coming in the mail.

Perhaps you are angry. But while you are spending your life on anger or a sense of entitlement, what is he doing? Making a beautiful life alone or with someone new, while your life is being held back by the evangelist in your head. The one crying “he owes me! I’m entitled!”  And what about your new husband? Asking his wife to live off another man. What does that say about where he is at with personal responsibility and accountability?  The dependency is debilitating all the way around. 

And what does your ex loose at the end of the day? Money? That doesn’t touch him where it counts: His new love. Family. Friends. Joy. Creating experiences. Living purposefully. That’s what matters – and you can’t take that away from him. No matter how sizeable the check.

For yourself, for the sake of all that is possible for you in this life time- show up today as a grown up woman who is capable of taking responsibility for herself. Wean yourself from his pocket book. It may require taking work for financial means. It may require working on your dream career from 8pm-10pm while you work 9-5 to pay the bills. No matter what occurred between the two of you in the past, no matter what the story is, making yourself responsible for yourself is the only way to recovery.  It’s the only way to a better life and real happiness.

Until you free yourself as his dependent, creating your dream life and becoming the fullest expression of your womanhood will haunt you like a bad dream.  Refuse to stay small in order to collect his check.

On living up to yourself,

Carrie