Posts Tagged ‘communication’

“Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked two moons in his moccasins.” Sharon Creech

Monday, October 5th, 2009

Whether we take a glimpse or a long and lingering look into someone else’s life, at best all that is ever available to us is what poet Rumi described as “idle speculation.”

Because we are severely limited to “idle speculation” I think advice giving or diagnosing is perilous. Not only dangerous, I think advising snuffs out all the possible creations that take on life when two people listen outside of their judgments.

What I’ve treasured about one of my closest friendships is that no matter what we never told one another what do to. No matter how treacherous the landscape became, we showed up for the moment free of judgment, full of camaraderie. “I will walk or run this mile with you because I believe in you” was the unexpressed philosophy of our friendship.

Advising is easy, judgments are a dime a dozen. But taking time to truly understand is priceless. I think we all need someone to take the time to understand life in our shoes.  We aren’t aching for another “you really should do this and that.”  We don’t need someone who hasn’t walked a minute in our day to tell us how it is. I think we benefit each other in the most meaningful ways when we forbid the delivery of our own limited speculation and venture beyond.

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

 

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | Comments Off

If you must fight, fight fair.

Monday, September 21st, 2009

We search the planet for that very special person to love and create a life with. We are often hard pressed, at times in excruciating ways, to find the calibre of connection we seek.  Yet despite the universe answering our call with the delivery of such love, how often do we manage to fight on behalf of our relationships? 

Without warning a storm rolls in and there you are hollering in the face of the very love you swore you would die for.  Against all odds you found each other, yet you allow unfounded accusations and hurtful verbal assailants to become the forces that divide you.

Of course we are going to disagree and be upset with one another. At times your ego will be bruised or your hurt will want to retaliate, but find the strength within yourself to leave out all the reacting that is divisive: incriminating each other, accusing, or simply being unfair or unkind.

Stand up for your love rather than for righteousness.  Only you can protect the purity of your relationship when forces threaten to weaken your bond. If love isn’t handled with extreme care how will it survive?

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | Comments Off

Stuck somewhere?

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

You know that “no man’s land” where you are both upset, angry, feeling misunderstood, can’t communicate clearly, and feel so incredibly stuck in the moment but haven’t a clue how to get unstuck?

When I’ve arrived in “no man’s land” something that works for me is to first sort myself out.  Sometimes this happens on the fly other times I need some time to get clear. The key is to first identify what’s up for you in the situation.  How are you feeling? What’s happening for you?

In my experience, a lack of understanding on what’s going on for you will only send you further into “no man’s land” -  circling the issue, continuing to argue, continuing to blame as you flail without clarity to anchor you.

 Once you’ve identified what’s happening for you, spot your need or wanting. Something such as “I’m angry because I would like some recognition of my efforts” “I’m nervous and would like more information” “I’m hurt because I would like to talk about this rather than be insulted” “I’m frustrated because I would like for us to figure out what to do rather than fight about what happened.”

You don’t have to say any of this out loud, simply knowing what’s happening for you and what you are wanting, needing, or valuing, will ground you, giving you some footing. Your clearly identified desired outcome or need will serve as your guide to navigate through the stucknesss. In other words, taking action and attitude that are loyal to your needs, values or desires will lead you out of “no man’s land.”

The challenge is that we are often so disconnected from our ourselves (needs, values and desires) that we default to blaming, or to expecting the other person to sort it all out. Getting clarity on what’s going on for you and speaking to it is something that comes with practice. Start by doing it in the less heated moments.

On living up to yourself,

Carrie 

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | 3 Comments »

How Not to Blame.

Monday, August 10th, 2009

This morning as usual I drove my daughter to elementary school. Her class was going on a field trip. We left in plenty of time for her to arrive on time, settle herself, and take care of her bathroom business well before the bus left. As we approached the school she spotted the school bus ready for their departure. I know we are early, she knows we are early but still she stressed. “Oh my god we are late, oh my god, now I am going to miss the bus,  oh my god I am going to be left behind, oh my god now I have to spend the day with the fourth graders! Drive faster Mom! Turn the car around – go the other way!”

Clearly an anxiety was triggered even though we were okay for time. Instead of supporting her, I allowed her displaced distress to irritate me, I allowed her reaction to get the better of me and eclipse my heart. We didn’t part in our usual loving way – I uttered a goodbye, she slammed the door. Now my little girl has gone off into the big city of LA (a  huge deal for us island girls)  and I’ve missed the opportunity to love her, to send her off feeling that I am here for her as she ventures out into the world. A high price to pay when we really have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

What I wished I had done – allowed her to be a stressing out 11 year old, picked up on her worries and given her reassurance.  The irritation, the frustration I felt is my own. It is for me to connect with and move beyond. It is not hers to deal with.  Her reaction was stimulus put before me, however my reaction to that stimulus was a choice.  I expressed my frustrations as if she were the cause rather than expressing that my frustration was the result of my wish for her to feel secure, or to have peace in our morning.  If I had stated that my frustration was due to a preference for peace then she would of heard that my own value or need was behind my frustration, rather than feeling blamed.

What can I do now? Since I talked myself out of chasing after the school bus, I will take it up with her later. Something like “I blew it this morning. I let my own frustrations get the better of me. I blamed you. I wished I had supported you…..”

Recognizing our children’s feelings and experiences means a whole lot to their sense of self worth. For an adult to apologize or clean up their behavior tells the child that she is important and worthy, and deserving of respect. 

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | 2 Comments »

Life Gets Easier.

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

Last night my Aunt Donna gave a speech. She said “being vulnerable makes life easier.” So very true. Yet many people refuse to be vulnerable at all costs. Let me clarify what I mean by being vulnerable. Let’s use this example: your husband says something like “you don’t have to sound so harsh about it.”

You say “I’m not being harsh. If you hadn’t done xyz or done abc I wouldn’t be so mad.”

 He says “I did do abc you just …..” And so it continues. Rather than blaming each other, it would be a million times easier to say “oh yeah that did sound harsh, or I’m sorry I’m not meaning to sound harsh, or I’m angry and will try to leave the harshness out of it.”

Being vulnerable is about self awareness. It is about spotting yourself in the moment and saying what you see. “I’m blaming you and that’s not helpful. I’m trying to make you wrong because I am very uncomfortable with what happened.” “Your right I didn’t do ….” 

We put endless energy into defending ourselves rather than just speaking the truth about what we are up to in the moment. I think we resist speaking the truth about our behavior because we’ve judged it as bad or negative. Or we believe it isn’t safe to own up to ourselves. Or we become defiant wanting the other person to go first.

When two people stop defending themselves and start acknowledging their humaness life gets a whole lot easier.  The layers of confusing arguing, the blaming, the hurtful accusations are disarmed. In my experience, when  you speak the truth about yourself, others will pick up on your heart  – an entirely different experience from having someone pick up on your blame.

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | 1 Comment »

When We Don’t Know How To Fix It.

Friday, May 29th, 2009

 

When you want something to be better or different for a loved one and you don’t know how to fix it, like many of us, you probably go for control. In a moment of feeling overwhelmed, helpless, scared and even sad we bring down the iron gates on all four walls. Control gives us the illusion of fixing it. Control also rescues us from our own feelings of discomfort in the moment.

I’ve done this with my tweenie. In a moment when she was “freaking out” as she calls it, and I was at a total loss as to how to respond yet aching inside for her situation to improve, I reacted by way of control: “you aren’t having your play date, no computer, no movie tonight” and on I went. The fall of the iron gates shook the floor.   Was this helpful? No. When we respond with control and only control we leave the other person feeling misunderstood, resentful, unheard, and feeling like we are the enemy. Likely leaving them with more energy to push back or rebel even further.

I am not suggesting you don’t set the limits, but change HOW you set the limits. Instead of setting the limits by way of control, set the limits by way of relating. By relating I mean first identify your loved one’s feelings and needs. Spot them and say them. You don’t have to agree, simply recognize what life must be like in the moment for that person. Try and try again to get what is behind their anger, outburst, disobedience, or whatever the case might be. Then, when you are confident that you have done a good job at seeing, hearing and understanding, now set your limits without force. Using the loving strength of relating over control. I know I can do a better job on this front.

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , ,
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | 1 Comment »