April 22nd, 2010
We had a wild storm last night. I lay with my daughter Maxie listening to the wind. As her breathing slowed and she fell asleep, I drifted back to a time when she was three years old. I watched her fall asleep then – feeling awful, anticipating what the morning would bring. Our days, just the two of us alone with an easy peaceful carefree unstructured freedom was all she had known and that was about to change. Maxie had no way of knowing what the morning would bring – which made it all the worse and I was a mess.
Daycare? What is daycare Mama? Yes daycare my little love. I have to leave you here. Pleading with her 3 years of knowledge to understand that I wasn’t leaving her indefinitely. That she was not being abandoned. Not to be scared and that I would come back for her. But she was scared and she didn’t understand. She was beside herself, at the edge of something she had never experienced before. My tears no longer containable fell into her hair. I wanted to pick her up and run out the daycare gate. Who needs money anyhow? Who needs a career? We can make it without… As if reading my mind the daycare director said “if you give up today, drop off time tomorrow will be double as hard.” Double as hard? Double as hard! How could anything feel worse than this?
As my little girl wrapped her body around my legs she looked up at me. There it was for the first time ever. Her forehead was crinkled and her eyes were filled with worry. I’ll never forget how startling it was to see such a foreign emotion now announcing itself across her face. Obliging with the director I left. I cried driving into town. The ache to be with her growing greater the farther away she became. There it was again – the bargainer within. Forfeiting a career and being penniless is better than this. We could live off selling mangoes on the beach in Mexico. Anything would be better than this.
I cried in the line up at Starbucks. Sought comfort in my chai latte. It didn’t come. Not on that day. Not in the few weeks that followed. Today my little one is 12. She is whole and beautiful. Very bright. Creative. Fun and funny. I could go on and on about her. But what I want to say to all you moms and dads who are fraught with regret, pain or guilt; Struggling with daycare, divorce or whatever else that makes you feel lost as a parent or even a failure, my daughter no matter what stands on her own two feet. Firmly planted, centred by her own roots, strong and willed.
Don’t get me wrong. I still go over her with a magnifying glass looking for a crack or some kind of evidence that she was harmed by a single parent upbringing or by her early daycare days. And you know what? My quest to find the crack is treasure-less. Cracks remain unseen.
Carrie
Tags: daycare, inspiration, parenting, single mom
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April 22nd, 2010
I worked out with my husband yesterday and of course the morning after he is energized and very alive in the kitchen at 5:45am making buckwheat crepes for the kids before leaving for work. And I am resisting the mortifying urge to crawl to the bathroom because my body aches so bad from head to toe. I am extremely grateful for my lovely husband who flipped crepes as the sun came up. I am also grateful for my body that puts up with whatever pace I put it through. However, today is Earth Day and my gratitude is centered on our miraculous planet.
What change will you be making today in support of life on Earth?
Earth Day 2010. The Best Ways to Get Involved.
Earth Day 2010. Climate Declaration.
Carrie
Tags: climate change, earth day
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April 20th, 2010
My dear friend’s dad recently passed away. I still can’t believe these words as I see them written here on the page. The loss has been tremendous for her and her family. His death has been a catalyst for much reflecting about my relationship with my dad.
I wonder, how on earth he has time to tend to his own life when he has been so busy running up and down the sidelines of my own. Cheering me on. Championing me to believe in myself. Sending me towards a better life. Several times I’ve been that weary traveler heading homeward late at night after life broke my heart. As the boat docked or the plane pulled into its gate, a still figure stood in the darkened terminal – my dad. Always my dad. The unsolicited sun in my sky.
Painting my living room. Pointing out the colors of my soul. His loving strength compelled me to be more courageous. His pure endorsement made the challenges more bearable. He has a loving way of gently peering past my more “ugly” moments to what lies beneath. He never inquired about the bad mood or “why so snarky?” He inquired about the burden and considered how he might lessen it. Refusing to let me forget that “I am one of a kind, deserving of the world,” I ventured into the heart of it all.
So all you dads out there – know that you are changing the world simply by being your daughter’s biggest fan. It makes the world of difference. And by doing so makes the world a different place.
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
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April 19th, 2010
Last night I lit the candles on the dinner table around 6pm. It has become a tradition to always have candle light for dinner. If I forget one of the kids remembers. Last night the candle light was hardly noticeable in a house still flooded with daylight. The six of us sat down to dinner at 6:30ish. An hour and a half later, our little group was still lingering around fun conversation and laughter. The night had crept into our cozy cottage and we were in pure darkness except for the friendly glow radiating from the centre of the table. The brightness of the kid’s eyes peered back at me, illuminated by the candle light. Their individual personalities even more pronounced as the backdrop of a busy day was now hushed by darkness.
Somewhere between laughing, fruitful conversation and playing a few rounds of who can name the most types of trees or cheese or mountains, the sun went down. The day ended. Not wanting to part from the spirit that is created when we come together for dinner, no one gave in to time’s passing.
Moments like these remind me of how easy it is to connect with abundance in our lives. It doesn’t have to cost us a thing. A sense of abundance can be created in a moment. By a bright spot. Over dinner. In a conversation. Or in a game of naming cheese.
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
Tags: abundance, family, inspiration
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April 16th, 2010
When I was 30 I went through a breakup. It was characteristic of most breakups: empty spaces, a lurching of my world, the unbearable stillness that settles in when someone leaves. The dread. The bad hair. Fighting against the “he is all I need” conspiracy controlling my thoughts. Awful feeling of grief gently lulled along a river of tears….
My reply to the heartbreak was a decision to move from Vancouver BC back to Vancouver Island BC. I didn’t need six months of therapy. I just needed to move. To redefine my life. I didn’t have a voice inside saying “yes absolutely moving is the right thing to do.” It wasn’t like that. It didn’t carry the comfort of an absolute. Rather it was more of a gentle tugging, a small little hand hailing to me from my homeland. It was a risk. I was unsure. However, it turned out to be the right and best decision.
Back surrounded by loving family, the freshness of the ocean, the cool comforting presence of old growth trees, the quiet of rustic gardens and many cups of tea with my mom, I wrote a book. Out of the blue, for the next 8 months, for the first time in my life, I wrote. I wrote my heart out. Exercise your Ex is not what its title implies. It is not about badgering your ex out of your soul or your memory or your life. It’s about identifying the covert ways your pain works to keep you from moving on.
Even though the book cover no longer has an image as the rights I purchased from Getty Images have long expired, and even though I would write it differently today, the book stands, for me, as a testimony as a monument actually, that I risked redefining my life.
Those redefining moments: moving to the island, writing, fixing my hair again, and surrounding myself with family formed a bright constellation. A group of shining stars that led me over the years and lit my way through many more valleys, to a brand new kind of moment. A moment on Jan 22 of this year when I danced with my husband to our wedding song “God bless the broken road.” And today looking back, I do bless the broken road. The breakups, the empty spaces, the fear, the challenges and most of all I bless whatever it was inside of me that just knew it was time to redefine.
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
Tags: breakup, ex boyfriend, finding love, relationship
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April 15th, 2010
Rather than focusing on what the problem is, or trying to understand the problem or concentrating on finding a solution to your problem, in their newest book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, Dan and Chip Heath talk about doing the opposite. They propose that we find a “bright spot and clone it.” The idea is to discover what is working well within a situation and duplicate it.
An inspiring example, that I loved which Dan and Chip provide, was how NGO employee Jerry Sternin made a tremendous difference in alleviating the malnourishment of Vietnamese children. Sternin was given just six months by the country’s government to turn things around. Sternin was very aware of the sources of the problem: a lack of sanitation, poverty, and unclean water. He also knew that diving into and attempting to change the root causes would be useless with just six months and no funding. Instead Jerry Sternin set out to find the “bright spots” in the community.
He struck gold. He indeed discovered children who were thriving in the exact same conditions others were perishing. Sternin identified what their “bright spot” mothers were doing differently: dividing two meals a day into four and adding sweet potato greens to the meals. Small and extremely accessible changes were making the difference between life and death.
I think the idea of switching from “how do I solve this problem” to finding a bright spot and cloning it, is applicable to all part of our lives: work, relationship, parenting, school, creativity. Let’s all look for the “sweet potato greens” and clone them. Thank you Dan and Chip. And hats off to Jerry Sternin for your eye for “bright spots.”
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
Tags: relationship, self help, women
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | 1 Comment »
April 14th, 2010
“If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” Rumi
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April 13th, 2010
Sometimes the hours are painful or the moments are hard. Sometimes there is a back ground stress incessantly buzzing away, slowly eating up your good will. Or there is dissatisfaction in life that has superimposed itself over your inner peace or good nature. Where does such angst or stress get released? What is the outlet?
Sometimes we use other people, inadvertently, as our outlet or punching bag. We all do it from time to time. It’s natural. Who might be your punching bag? A certain friend. A relative. A colleague. Is there someone you are easily irritated by? More easily annoyed around? Quick to correct or condemn. Someone you judge more aggressively? The ongoing offender who can do no right?
Sadly your punching bag may have learned to roll with your punches. Making it easy for you to throw your weight around. Easing up on giving them the left or right hook will free you both. Freeing you to connect with a more powerful and positive outlet. An outlet that actually helps you move past the angst. Whereas a well selected punching bag, unfortunately, can outlast the boxer. And unfortunately for the person who is your punching bag, they may go down but not out. Time and time again.
Good luck in identifying your punching bag! And off with the boxing gloves. Mine included!
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
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April 12th, 2010
I am writing today to the few women who believe that their ex is financially responsible for them. For them as women. Let me be absolutely clear. I’m not talking about his responsibility for the children you share. Nor am I talking about those of you who are stay-at-home-moms with babies or small children. I’m talking about women who believe they are entitled to their ex’s earnings by virtue of being in a past relationship with him. I’m speaking to the women who choose to hold their ex responsible for them – for their basic existence – even though there are no barriers to making an income.
I know this sounds tough. I am being tough. Because I fear you are in danger. Danger of becoming invisible. Of living a life uninhabited. Danger of selling out on abundance (financial, emotional, love, creativity, etc) in exchange for a dependency. Danger of failing in life because of your choice to make another man responsible for you. Not your kids. You. Doing so sets a tragic limitation on your life.
I know there are all kinds of obstacles and barriers to making it out there as a single parent. It’s hard for everyone actually. But that doesn’t mean we are justified in making someone else responsible for us. We find ways to overcome the barriers. We find the courage, fortitude and ways to fight off fatigue. With an education, or creativity, or straight up passion – single moms can and do make beautiful lives for themselves. But most of all, success in life comes down to a choice. It’s the choice to be his dependent or not. It’s the choice to do the hard – gruelling work of balancing parenting and working. It’s the choice to assume full responsibility for your life and face it head on, or hide behind a crippling sense of “he owes me.” Whether he owes you or not is a pointless argument when we are talking about the quality of your life being at stake. The point is are you willing to give up so much of your womanhood and your livelihood to continue to collect from him? Are you willing to keep your accomplishments small enough as to fit them within the “he owes her” legal jurisdiction?
I worry about your self worth. It must be very difficult to feel proud about the woman you are when you claim zero income year after year so that support is ” justified.” It must be heartbreaking to forfeit making a life for yourself in order to keep that check coming in the mail.
Perhaps you are angry. But while you are spending your life on anger or a sense of entitlement, what is he doing? Making a beautiful life alone or with someone new, while your life is being held back by the evangelist in your head. The one crying “he owes me! I’m entitled!” And what about your new husband? Asking his wife to live off another man. What does that say about where he is at with personal responsibility and accountability? The dependency is debilitating all the way around.
And what does your ex loose at the end of the day? Money? That doesn’t touch him where it counts: His new love. Family. Friends. Joy. Creating experiences. Living purposefully. That’s what matters – and you can’t take that away from him. No matter how sizeable the check.
For yourself, for the sake of all that is possible for you in this life time- show up today as a grown up woman who is capable of taking responsibility for herself. Wean yourself from his pocket book. It may require taking work for financial means. It may require working on your dream career from 8pm-10pm while you work 9-5 to pay the bills. No matter what occurred between the two of you in the past, no matter what the story is, making yourself responsible for yourself is the only way to recovery. It’s the only way to a better life and real happiness.
Until you free yourself as his dependent, creating your dream life and becoming the fullest expression of your womanhood will haunt you like a bad dream. Refuse to stay small in order to collect his check.
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
Tags: divorce, first wives, relationships, self help, women
Posted in self help, coaching, women, breakup | 2 Comments »
March 14th, 2010
Working my way through Seth Godin’s book Linchpin. I was saying to my friend Dan last night, how Seth so provocatively takes you to the edge of your thinking and then leaves you there. He stirs up and shakes up the crucial pots yet doesn’t provide the solutions. He asks all the powerful questions without giving the answers. He is a truly brilliant teacher.
What excites me most is the world of possibility Seth is standing for. He is boldly ditching the dead end systems of thinking. The very systems that have boxed out your brilliance. He is advocating a whole new reality – one where you and I no longer buy into living under the limits of mediocrity and are forced to make nice with all its uglies. He is speaking to a reality in which you and I become indispensible. Do what we love. Do what we are brilliant at. And make a lovely life doing it.
No one can say it like Seth. I really encourage you to pick up the book. It will change your life.
On living up to yourself,
Carrie
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