Most of the time my heart is spilling over with compassion for people. But then there are times when compassion just doesn’t come easy even when I know from past experience that it is the catalytic force required for change.

What is the block I’ve wondered?

Compassion is a softer state of being, compared to anger and defense. It requires an open heart and resisting the instinctive nature to strike back.  Sometimes when someone is repeatedly violating your values (especially those that are really close to home) it can be difficult to soften while the shots are firing overhead. During these times, expecting yourself to go straight to compassion just might be too much of a stretch. 

In these situations, what I need to do first is to care for myself when the other person is failing to do so. The first step is to deliberately remove myself from their harm: create some shelter. (In a previous blog, I shared how to liberate yourself from a harmful battle. Please see What to do with Wrong Doers ).

Once I’ve created shelter, it is from this safe harbor that compassion comes flooding in.

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

Personally speaking, the single most powerful force that either constructs or deconstructs a healthy conversation is my level of self-awareness.  Let me try to explain.

There is a 3 part process that naturally goes on inside of you at any given moment,  it is one of nature’s designs that just takes place.  To help you better understand this process, recall a conversation that you had recently. A conversation that didn’t go so well. Let’s walk through that conversation or conflict.

First, you took in information – words he said, something she did.

Second,  you made meaning of the information you took in.

Third, before you knew it, the meaning you produced directed a specific emotional reaction. Anger. Sadness. Self defense. Thoughts of divorce!

While you were busy making conclusions and reacting to those conclusions she/he was doing the same with the information they took in. Hence the exasperating messy conversation you experienced!

The change that will change your life is this: spot yourself in action.

Notice the information you take in – I heard such and such words…. I saw a look….

Notice what you do with this information. Notice the meaning you personally assign to it. She’s mad. He doesn’t care. He’s blaming me.

Notice how you  react to such meaning. Hurt. Anger. Jealousy. Withdrawing. Retaliation.

Once you spot yourself in action, you can change the conversation for the better by responding with your new self-awareness.  Rather than flip out - you check it out: 

What did you mean when you said such and such?

What was your intention in doing such and such?

I’m thinking your aren’t believing me. Is that true?

I’m feeling mad because I think you are saying …. Is that right?

The point is to stop speaking from the covert workings of your mental filters and unchecked beliefs (”oh I know what she/he is up to” type thinking) and to start speaking to your internal participation (e.g your interpretations, conclusions, assumptions, and feelings).

Like anything else that you are good at, this too is a practice.  I grew up on this communication stuff and still today there are times when I am not there with the learning. Especially when the stakes are high, I’m emotional and the issue at hand really means something to me.

Remember, it only takes one person to change a conversation. Even if the other person’s level of self-awareness is low you can make a difference by stopping the reaction – reaction cycle with your new self-awareness. 

On living up to yourself,

Carrie

Your plea: “He’s not interested in me. He’s glued to the tv. He doesn’t make time for us anymore.”

One columnist advised her readers to “go take pole dancing lessons – that will get his attention,” she said. Pardon me?! What?! You have to have your way with a pole in order to get your man’s attention?! 

Here’s my thinking, if he doesn’t find you interesting or exciting he needs to turn himself onto life and onto your relationship! That takes work, as well as active, ongoing dedication on both people’s part, not a passive attitude on the couch. You, on the other hand, instead of spending three nights a week with a cold pole, spend that time developing a life to love - become a passionista at whatever makes you feel alive and whole.

Pole dancing could be a fun way to bring in some vavoom, I’m not critizing it. I’m just saying if you are using it as a tool to save your marriage or unglue your guy from the tv it’s time to look in the mirror.

While he sits disinterested in life, go get one girl!

On living up to yourself,

Carrie